Time Will Destroy Us
by Timelords-and-Winchesters
Summary: What will happen if Sam dies? A story about Dean and Castiel attempting to have a normal life after Sam's death. (Sorry I'm bad at summaries). This is my first fanfiction so I'd love it if you would read and review it! Thank you! Warnings: Self-harm, mentions of child abuse, a little alcoholism, mention of drug use, possible suicide attempt. Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural :(
1. Chapter 1

**Time Will Destroy Us**

**Kate Secor**

**Chapter 1**

It had been hours since Dean had talked to Castiel. Cas had tried talking to him at least ten times, but Dean would only nod and go back to gazing out of the side window of the Impala. Cas had insisted on driving, since Dean could barely even move without shaking uncontrollably. It was the first time Cas had ever driven the Impala and he knew if he crashed it, it would be the last thing he ever did, so he clutched the wheel tightly and tried to focus completely on the road. Of course he couldn't put his full attention on it, since Dean was right beside him trying to cover his face so Cas wouldn't see his silent tears.

Cass knew Dean would likely never recover from this. After all, he had watched his brother get ripped to shreds. Cas knew it wasn't Dean's fault, that he couldn't have stopped it, but Dean had put the blame on himself, like he always did. It took hours before Cas could finally pry Sam's mutilated body from Dean's grasp to bury him. He was sure Dean wouldn't want him burned. It just didn't feel right.

It was getting late and Cas knew Dean must be tired, so he stopped at a run-down motel, just outside of Detroit. He pulled into the parking lot, stepped out of the car, and went around to Dean's side. Even as Cas opened the door and took Dean by the arm, he didn't budge.

"Dean," Cas whispered. "I just want to get you a room so you can sleep. Please come with me."

Slowly Dean stood and allowed himself to be dragged toward the motel. He just watched with lazy eyes as Cas paid for the night and led him toward a small, dusty room. He didn't really mind how dirty it was. In fact, he didn't even notice the dust that billowed around him as he sat down on one of the beds. It was like his body was there, but his mind was somewhere far away.

"Dean, do you want to sleep?" Cas asked gently.

Dean nodded and silently laid down and buried his face in the pillow.

Cas turned and grabbed a chair, placing it by the foot of Dean's bed. Cas was an Angel, therefore he didn't sleep, which he guessed was good in this case. He wanted to make sure Dean was alright.

Everything seemed fine for half the night, until around two, when Dean started thrashing in his sleep. "No," he muttered, punching and kicking wildly. "No, not Sammy."

Cas shot up from his seat and was next to Dean in two long strides. "Dean," he murmured, shaking him as gently as he manage.

Dean bolted upright, his face wet with fresh tears, breathing heavily. He looked around frantically then, realizing where he was, relaxed.

"Were you dreaming about Sam?" Cas asked quietly.

Dean looked up at him, cleared his throat, and said "yes." His voice was barely audible as he said it, and it cracked awkwardly.

Cas looked at him sadly, understanding. "I'm so sorry Dean."

"Yeah," Dean choked out around a lump that had formed in his throat. "Me too."

Cas sat down on the edge of the bed, hand still touching Dean's shoulder, fitting perfectly on the handprint scar Dean would always have. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dean shook his head, wiping angrily at the tears.

"Dean please," Cas begged. "You can't keep this to yourself."

"Yes I can," Dean muttered stubbornly.

"Dean," Cas began. "I know this is hard. You just lost your brother. You felt it was your responsibility to protect him. That you were responsible for his death-"

"No!" Dean yelled, shooting to his feet as sudden anger washed over him. "You have no idea how I feel! You don't know what it's like to feel like your only responsibility was to protect someone and then fail! He was it for me! The most important person in my life! The person I cared about more than anything! It was my job to protect him and I screwed it up, just like I screw everything up! I let him die! It's my fault! I can't-" Dean sat back down hard on the bed and buried his face in his hands as the tears flowed down his cheeks freely.

Cas wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled Dean close, stroking his short hair. "Shhh, it's okay. It will be okay. It wasn't your fault Dean. There's nothing you could have done. Don't blame yourself."

Cas reached down and pulled Dean's chin up so he was staring right in his perfect emerald eyes. "Don't you ever think this was your fault. Dean, look. I know how you feel about yourself, okay? I know that you feel responsible for everything. That you feel like Sam was the only person you had. And I know how much you… hate yourself," Cas's voice broke as he tried to get through his speech. "But listen to me when I say this; not everything is your responsibility. And I know you feel like Sam was the only person you had, but Dean, I'm still here. I won't leave you. I promise. As long as you want me around, I'll stay. You will always have me. Dean, I need you to hear me. You are amazing. I know you don't think so, but I will make sure you realize this eventually. You're smart and brave and gorgeous and… and I love you," Cas finished in a hushed whisper, desperate to get it out before he decided it was a bad idea.

Dean stared at Cas, eyes wide in shock. He gulped, immediately regretting admitting his feelings for Dean.

"Look, I- I didn't-" Cas stammered before Dean cut him off.

"Don't," Dean murmured. "Don't you dare say you didn't mean it."

Cas nodded. "I did mean it."

Dean smiled weakly, the first smile Cas had seen pass Dean's lips in a very long time. "Good," Dean breathed.

Suddenly, Dean leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cas's. Cass didn't respond right away out of surprise, but then his arm wrapped around Dean's waist, pulling him closer. Dean ran his hands through Cas's hair, feeling as though his heart had stopped. He couldn't believe this was happening. He knew how he felt about Cas, but he never thought someone so amazing could love someone so… screwed up.

Dean finally drew back, leaving them both gasping for breath. Dean finally met Cas's eyes and felt as though he could drown in them. "Cas?"

"Mmm?" Cas managed to get out, still trying to catch his breath.

"I love you too."

Cas smiled in amazement. "I thought I would never hear you say that."

Dean smiled, all thoughts of Sam erased from his memory for the time being. All that mattered was Cas. Cas and him together. "I could say the same to you."

Cas laid down on the bed and pulled Dean close. "Remember when we first met?"

Dean chuckled slightly. "I tried to stab you."

Cas laughed quietly. "Yes, I suppose you did. But Dean? Do you remember anything else?"

Dean shook his head, looking up at the Angel's face. His Angel. Dean smiled at the thought. Cas was his Angel.

"Back then you didn't think you deserved to be saved. Well, you still don't. That hasn't changed."

"Cas? Is there a point to this story?"

"Yes," Cas looked down into the Hunter's eyes. "I didn't tell you this before, but I wish I had. Maybe things could have gone differently then. But I'll tell you now and I'll hope it's good enough. You deserve to be saved, Dean Winchester. Don't you ever forget it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Being in love with Dean wasn't easy, but it felt so right.

It had been three months since Sam's death. Dean was not taking it as well as Cas hoped he would. Most days, he just drove. It didn't matter where he was going or where he had been. Once it got late enough, they would pull into a motel and get a room for the night. Dean didn't talk very much after the first night they were together, but Cas understood. He missed Sam. He was lost without him.

Cas had tried to get Sam back. He had gone up to Heaven, asking them if he could bring Sam back down to Earth, but they had turned him down. They had told him he had interrupted the natural order of things enough already. So Cas, completely defeated, returned to Dean.

Every night, Cas sat at the edge of Dean's bed and made sure he was safe. He would wake him up every time he started trashing or crying or screaming in his sleep, but that pretty much happened every night. And every night when he woke Dean up, he would ask him what his nightmare was, as if he didn't already know. Most nights he would hear Dean scream Sam's name and he knew he was dreaming about his death. Some nights he heard Dean screaming in general, like he was in a lot of pain. He knew on those nights he was dreaming of Hell. And on some, rare nights, he heard him whispering his name frantically. He would say "Cas" over and over again and he would begin to cry. Dean never talked about those nightmares, but Cas could guess what had happened. He had died and left Dean all alone. Just like he promised he wouldn't.

After Cas woke Dean up, Dean would reach for the whiskey he now kept on the bedside table. Drinking his pain away had become a regular thing for Dean. Cas hated it. He tried talking to him about it, but every time he brought it up, Dean shut him out. It made Cas furious, but he could never stay mad at Dean for long.

Finally, there had been a night where Dean was having a nightmare. Judging by the way he was screaming, Cass assumed it was one of his Hell nights. Cas woke him up, like always, but this time Dean didn't stop crying. Cas soothed him, holding him close to his chest. Dean pulled away sharply, scooting away from him.

"Dean, what's wrong?" Css whispered.

"You're… you're not real," Dean choked out.

"What?" Cas asked, shocked.

"This isn't real," Dean shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out everything but his thoughts.

"Oh Dean," Cas murmured, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks. "You still think you're in Hell, don't you?"

Dean didn't answer.

Cas moved forward and laid his hand on Dean's shoulder, right on the handprint he had left so long ago. "This is real. I'm real. Dean, look at me."

Dean flinched but tentatively opened his eyes as Cas dipped down to plant a small kiss on his lips. "I'm real. I promise. You have to believe me, Dean."

Dean nodded and wrapped his arms around Cas's neck, laying his head on his shoulder. "Okay," Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. "Okay."

They sat like that for a while before Dean finally spoke again. "I'm just… I'm just having a hard time, you know? Seeing the difference between reality and Hell. It's so hard to tell. 'Cause you know, down in the pit they would always do this to me. Make me think I was okay, I was safe. Then they would twist it around and make it horrible. They made me think Sam and I were safe a lot and then… Sam would die. That's why I can't tell the difference now. Reality is too much like Hell."

Cas rubbed Dean's back comfortingly. "Dean, reality is not like Hell. You want to know how I know? You have me. In Hell you didn't have me, but here you do. We can get through this together."

"Promise?" Dean asked, sounding somewhat like a little kid.

"I promise."

Dean woke up every night not knowing if it was reality or if he was in Hell. He would wake up in a state of panic and fear. That's what scared Cas the most. Dean Winchester never showed fear. But here he was, scared that he was going to face more torture, and that broke Cas's heart. Nothing could make Dean see the difference. Except for Cas. After that first time, Cas had been the little bit of reality that seeped through the cracks and made Dean realize he was not in Hell anymore.

The only problem Cas had was the drinking. After Dean realized he was fine, he always reached for whatever drink he had at the time, and it still pissed Cas off. And Dean only drank more and more. It was like he was getting so used to it, it took more each day to drown out the pain.

Finally, while Dean was downing a bottle of scotch, Cas cracked. He had yanked the bottle out of Dean's hand and thrown it against the wall before he realized what he was doing. Glass and alcohol sprayed all over the carpet as Cass turned to look at Dean, who sat completely still in surprise. "You need to stop this," Cas hissed.

Dean didn't respond, just sat there, staring at him.

"You can't drink the pain away, Dean, it only numbs it for the time being. But it's always there. It's just going to get worse!" Cas yelled.

"What do you want me to do, huh? I'm not really a sharing-and-caring kind of person, so this is how I deal!" Dean screamed right back to him.

"Well I'm sick of it! And you know what else I'm sick of? Your attitude lately. You haven't been yourself ever since Sam died! You barely do anything anymore, you barely talk, and when you do it's either to say something bad about yourself or to tell me you don't want to talk about the nightmares!" Cas sat down on the edge of the bed, exasperated. "This is hard for me too Dean! It's not easy to see the person you love waste away to nothing! It's not easy to know that the person I'm in love with hates himself and won't talk about anything!"

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it. Instead, he dropped down on the bed beside Cas and put an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Cas. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I… I'll stop drinking. I promise. I'll talk to you about anything you want. We can be happy. Wouldn't that be nice? I haven't been happy in god knows how long and I know you haven't either. You know what we should do?"

"What?" Cas whispered.

"We should get an apartment. Give up this life forever. We could have some normal, apple-pie life instead. God, that would be amazing. It could just be the two of us. No more Demons, no more Angels, nothing. Just us."

Cas looked up at him, bright blue eyes rimmed with red. "Could we do that?" he asked innocently.

Dean smiled. "We can. And you know what? If any monster wants to come screw with us, we can deal with it. Like we used to. Then we can go right back to our lives. It could work."

"I don't know…" Cas said doubtfully, head turning to stare at the floor.

"Hey, look at me," Dean murmured.

Cas's gaze settled on Dean once again.

"We can do this Cas," Dean whispered determinedly. "Wouldn't a normal life be amazing?"

Cas nodded.

"Then isn't it at least worth a try?"

Cas sniffed and wiped away the tears that had fallen. "Yeah. I guess it is."

"Good," Dean smiled. "Because I could not imagine spending my life any other way than with you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who read this so far, especially to the people who posted reviews! I love you guys! I would love more reviews! Thanks so much!**

**Chapter 3**

Dean and Cas stopped hunting and started looking for apartments. It was actually kind of exciting, knowing they could finally have a normal life. They could finally be like everyone else. Well, as much as an ex-hunter and an angel could be like everyone else.

It didn't take them long to find an apartment in Great Barrington, Massachusetts. It was a nice, small town, which was exactly what they were looking for. Somewhere secluded where few monsters could find them.

Soon, Dean got a job at Berkshire Mountain Brewers. It wasn't ideal, but at least it would pay for the apartment. The best part was Dean received free beer as long as he worked there. Cas wasn't thrilled about him drinking beer, but he allowed it as long as he didn't drink anything stronger.

After a while, Dean had enough money to buy some furniture besides a bed for their apartment. So while Dean went to work all day, Cas would unpack the furniture and listen to one of the CDs Dean gave him as he did so. Dean had introduced the rock music he liked to Cas, and it turned out Cas loved the rock music almost as much as Dean. So while he unpacked he would listen to AC/DC or Def Leppard or Guns N Roses. Anything that Dean gave to him. Then when Dean got home from work, he would help him unpack a bit, before going to get takeout food. He almost always brought home burgers, but Cas didn't mind. Dean was used to diner food so that's what they got.

Cas had noticed that Dean never wore t-shirts anymore, only long sleeves, but he had never asked. It had been that way for a long time now so he didn't think much of it. Not until he found out what Dean was hiding did he wish he had asked.

Dean had been so careful to keep his arms covered, but it only took one mistake and it was all over. Cas had always been very observant.

They had been unpacking boxes when Dean's shirt sleeve came up, only a little, but that was all Cas needed. Cas had been paying close attention as it was. He had been worried about Dean lately so he watched him constantly.

As soon as the sleeve came up, an array of scars was revealed, and Cas was across the room in a second, gripping Dean's arm tightly between his fingers. He pulled up Dean's sleeve even more, revealing more scars, some looking like they were deep enough for stitches. "What did you do?" Cas whispered in awe.

Dean pulled his arm back and yanked down his sleeve, shooting Cas a glare. "Nothing."

"That is not nothing," Cas insisted. "Please Dean."

Dean turned away from Cas and started to walk toward the bedroom, but Cas grabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him around so he could look him in the eye. "Please," he murmured.

Slowly, Dean returned Cas's gaze. "Look Cas, you won't understand…"

"I can try," Cas said stubbornly.

"It's just this thing I do," Dean began uneasily.

"Yeah, I can see that," Cas snapped, his anger getting the best of him. Cas wasn't used to human emotions, but ever since he and Dean had got the apartment it seemed he was becoming less and less like an angel. "Why do you do it?"

"Because," Dean's eyes dropped down to the floor and he stared at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the universe. "It took away from the emotional pain. After Sam died, I couldn't take it Cas. I couldn't. It just… it helped. And then the dreams about Hell… it helped with that too. It helped me know that I was, I don't know, alive. It's hard to explain," Dean finished awkwardly.

Cas said nothing, just pulled Dean into a tight hug. "Oh god," Cas choked back a sob. Crying was another human thing Cas wasn't used to and it was beginning to scare him. "Please… stop. You can't… I love you. I can't lose you."

Dean laughed slightly, hot breath tickling Cas's ear. "Do you see any new cuts? They're all old Cas. I haven't done it since we decided to get the apartment. I'm fine now."

Cas pulled back, looking up at him with a tear-streaked face. "Promise?"

Dean hesitated slightly before finally muttering "of course."

Cas nodded. "Good. Because Dean, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you. I… if I lost you…"

"Shhh," Dean soothed, wiping Cas's tears away with his thumb. "You won't lose me Cas. I could never leave you. Never."

Cas nodded, relief flooding over him. "Okay."

Dean pulled him into a quick kiss, taking his breath away. He could still taste the hint of beer on his lips, but he didn't care. Dean was safe, and that's all that mattered. As soon as he pulled away Cas rested his forehead on Dean's. "I love you Dean. Just please come to me if you ever, and I mean ever, think about doing this again. Okay?"

Dean nodded slightly. "Okay. I love you too."

Cas smiled and pulled away completely, turning back to the furniture. "We should probably get the rest of this unpacked."

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "We should."

00000

Dean still had nightmares in the apartment, but they were coming less and less. Cas wished they would stop all together, but at least they were improving.

The thing that scared Cas was that he had started sleeping at night, but angels never sleep. He could slowly feel his 'angel mojo' as Dean would put it, draining away. He was being cut off from Heaven and that freaked him out. He could already tell he was becoming more human with all the emotions he was feeling lately, but now he could feel it seeping out of him. He didn't know what was happening to him, but whatever it was he knew it wasn't good. As Dean had once said, without his powers he's just a 'baby in a trench coat'.

Dean told him that it could be a good thing. That now they would age at the same rate and would really be together forever. But it still felt weird to Cas, having less angelic abilities every day. He didn't feel like himself.

Plus it was sleeping that got him into trouble. He wasn't there for Dean when he was having a nightmare.

Dean hadn't wanted to wake him or make a big deal out of nothing, so he did the only thing he could do. He went into the bathroom with a knife he still kept hidden under his pillow, just in case. He wasn't lying when he said he hadn't cut himself since they had gotten the apartment, so it felt almost wrong to him. But as long as it relieved some of the pain he felt, he was okay with that. He drew thick red lines on his abdomen this time. He didn't want Cas finding out about it and worrying, so he put it somewhere he wouldn't check, since Cas always looked at Dean's arms when he thought he wasn't paying attention.

As soon as he finished, he wrapped a bandage around his torso and went back to bed.

He laid there for a couple hours before finally falling asleep again. He couldn't get the thought out of his mind, about how disappointed Cas would be if he found out he cut himself again. He couldn't take it if Cas found out. And that's why Dean would be sure to keep it a secret. He loved Cas too much to hurt him like that. He closed his eyes and, for the first time, he prayed. He prayed that Cas wouldn't find out. He prayed he could live a normal life with him. But most of all, he prayed he could stop this before it got out of control. If not for himself, then for his Angel.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Dean and Cas settled into the apartment nicely. The furniture was set up, Dean made enough money at the bar to keep them going, and, best of all, Cas had no idea Dean was still cutting himself. Dean felt terrible keeping it secret, especially since he loved Cas so much, but he didn't want to let him down.

By the time they had lived in the apartment for six months and they were doing good. In the time they had been living there, there had only been four supernatural creatures that came after them. Two Demons, an Angel, and a Vampire. Nothing they couldn't handle.

While Dean worked at the bar, something happened that almost never happened to him; he made friends. Hannah, Quinn and Myah. It felt almost weird to finally have people besides Cas that cared about him, but it was a nice change. He didn't even try to hit on the girls. They were just his friends and he was happy with that. Every few nights they would all stay at the bar and have a beer together, maybe even play some poker. When it came to poker though, Dean was undefeated. Whenever they went out, Dean would never have more than one beer because of his promise to Cas. It wasn't easy, but it was manageable. Then every night, when Dean would get home, Cas would be there with dinner. That was the best part of his day.

Dean wasn't the only one who made friends, although Cas was far more anti-social. But he did make one friend. Noura. In Cas's spare time, when he couldn't spend it with Dean, he would go out to lunch with her or maybe just walk to the park. Whatever they did, it was always nice. Cas never had friends outside of the Winchester's before, so it felt good. But always his favorite part of the day was the time he got to spend with Dean. Cas always brought home dinner, which was almost always burgers because that was Dean's favorite. And he never forgot the pie.

On the weekends, Dean and Cas would spend all their time together. Dean introduced Cas to a lot of things he had never done before. He took him to his first auto-show, which Cas had enjoyed, his first concert, and, best of all, his first movie. They had gone to see the new Iron Man. Dean had paid for the popcorn and M n' M's and they had sat in the very back row. Cas had asked why they got both popcorn and M n M's, but Dean hadn't answered. He had just opened the bag of M n' M's and dumped them into the popcorn. He scooped up a handful and handed it to Cas. "Try it," he smiled. "It's good."

Cas had taken the mix from him and popped it into his mouth. "Mmm," he murmured. "It is good."

Dean grinned, taking another handful for himself. "I told you," he laughed.

The movie had started and soon the large tub of popcorn and M n' M's was gone. Cas had laid his head on Dean's shoulder and Dean wrapped his arm around him. They stayed like that for the rest of the movie and it was absolutely perfect.

It wasn't until after the movie, when they were walking back to the apartment, that three drunk men had strode up to them. "I'm sorry," one of them sneered. "Didn't you hear? Fags aren't allowed in this town."

Dean had unhooked his arm from around Cas's waist and looked at the tall man who had spoken. The man quite a bit larger than him, but Cas knew Dean could take him down in a second. "I'm sorry," Dean mocked. "I thought this town was douche-bag free."

The man's smile faltered. "Trust me man, you do not want to fight me," he warned.

"You know," Dean snickered. "I really think I do."

The man's fist flew towards Dean's face, but he caught the man by the wrist, bending it back slightly before punching him in the nose with a loud crunch. He had the man on the ground within two minutes. His friends didn't even try to fight him, they just helped their drunk friend to his feet before running back to the bar they came from.

Dean turned back to Cas, a triumphant smile on his face. "You shouldn't have done that," Cas whispered, but smiled anyway.

"Oh come on," Dean grinned, slinging an arm around Cas's shoulder. "You know you love it when I get all badass."

"Shut up," Cas laughed as Dean planted a kiss on his temple.

After that, they had walked back to their apartment, giggling the whole way there.

They went to a lot of movies since then, but they never forgot their first. Every time they would have popcorn and M n' M's and sit at the very back of the theater. It had become a kind of routine for them. Every time they would walk home, but after the first night no one ever bothered them. No one seemed to mess with Dean at all after that. Sometimes they could hear people whisper about him. About how he was some kind of secret militia guy or something because no normal person could fight like that. The rumors always made Dean and Cas laugh because they weren't that far off.

Dean's friends had been the only people who asked him about it to his face. He had just said that he used to be a cop but then he met Cas and quit his job. They had bought his crap story, but they still asked questions about it. They seemed to want to know everything about Dean's time before he moved to this town. He did his best to answer the questions, but tried to change the subject as much as he could. It suddenly seemed like everyone in the town was interested in him, and that made him pretty uncomfortable. More people wanted to be his friends, but he was pretty sure they just wanted to find out the truth about him. So he just kept Hannah, Quinn and Myah as his friends and didn't hang out with anyone else. That seemed like the only logical thing to do.

Cas's friend Noura had several questions for him too. Cas had told her the same story Dean had told his friends; that Dean was a cop until they met. Soon Noura was asking questions about what he did before he moved to Great Barrington. It wasn't long before he was spewing out lie after lie. He didn't feel right lying to Noura, especially when she had been nothing but kind to him. But he knew if he told her the truth she would think he was a complete nut job.

Although the rumors never went away, Dean and Cas were doing fine. Now that everyone was scared of Dean, no one was bothering them which was nice. Cas believed their lives were almost perfect, but Dean knew better. And he knew that if Cas found out about the cutting, he would realize it was far from perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello my little peaches! Sorry I haven't updated for a while, but I'm updating now so you can stop crying. Thank you to all the munchkins that reviewed this story! I love you! And to all the readers who haven't reviewed, come on up, don't be shy. I don't bite. I would love to hear your feedback! Okay, without further delay, I give you chapter 5**

**Chapter 5**

Time passed by and Dean and Cas only grew closer. They loved each other and that was all that mattered. Summer passed them by, then fall, and soon it was Christmas.

Cas had never celebrated Christmas before so Dean decided to have a nice Christmas for once. Dean never really had a nice childhood Christmas. His dad had brought home a tree made out of beer cans a couple years but he never did anything besides that. He would drink a lot, pass out on the couch, and that would be it. Dean always made sure to get Sam a present for Christmas though. He would scrap together as much money as he could for his present every year. It was almost always the money his dad had given him for food. He would make sure to buy Sam food first and take all the money for his own food to buy Sam a gift. He had hunger pains quite often around Christmas, but the look of pure happiness Sam got every year when he received his gift was well worth it. The only time Dean had gotten a present in return was when Sam had given him the necklace that was meant for dad. Dean never took that necklace off. But now Sam was gone and it was just a painful reminder.

Dean had made sure Cas had gone out to get food from the grocery store on Christmas so he had enough time to put something nice together. He worked hard trying to get it all set up before Cas got home, but the look on his face was worth it.

Cas had opened the door to their apartment, groceries in hand, to find Dean standing in the middle of the room, grinning wildly. On the desk beside him was a small tree, silver and blue ornaments dangling from the branches. A small banner hung from the ceiling fan saying "Merry Christmas" in big red letters. Dean walked over to Cas and handed him a glass, telling him it was called eggnog. Cas put it to his lips and smiled. "Tell me if it needs more kick," Dean said, the grin that Cas loved so much never leaving his mouth.

"It's perfect," Cas murmured. "Thank you."

Dean looked down at the floor shyly. "It's nothing."

"No," Cas said, lifting Dean's chin so he was looking into his brilliant emerald eyes. "This is amazing. I can't believe you went through all this trouble for me."

"Of course I went through all of this for you," Dean said matter-of-factly. "I would do anything for you."

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, gazing adoringly into his eyes. "I love you."

"I know," Dean laughed.

Cas grinned before leaning in and placing his lips on Dean's. Dean placed his hands on Cas's hips, pulling him closer. He tilted his head slightly, trying to get a better angle. Their lips slotted together perfectly, like they were made for each other. Dean's lips left Cas's and trailed down his throat, leaving him breathless. Cas tilted his head back and let out a moan, causing Dean to smile into his neck. Finally his lips found their way back to Cas's. After a long while, Dean found the strength to pull back. Cas grunted in protest, attempting to pull Dean back towards him, but he just laughed. "Hold on Cas," he chuckled. "So eager."

He took Cas by the hand and led him to the couch, pulling him down next to him. "Okay," Dean's tone suddenly turned serious. "I want to give you something."

Cas raised his eyebrows. "You've already given me everything I could ever want."

The corner of Dean's mouth turned up in a sort of half smile. "Well I'm glad to hear that, but I still want to do this."

Dean reached up and unclasped the necklace he had never taken off before. As soon as he did so he felt almost naked, but he still wanted to give it to Cas. He pulled Cas's hand toward him and pressed the necklace into it. "Sam gave this to me when we were young," Dean began. "It was the first Christmas present I ever got from him. I never took it off until now. The point is, this is our first Christmas together and I want you to have something special to remember it by. This is the most precious thing I own. So I want you to have it."

"Dean," Cas whispered. "I could never take this from you."

"Please Cas," Dean begged. "I want you to have it so that you will always remember I love you. Even if you leave."

"I won't ever leave you," Cas insisted. "And I don't need a necklace to remember that you love me. I could never forget something like that."

"I know you won't," Dean murmured. "But please, humor me. I just want you to have it."

"Okay," Cas smiled, finally giving in. "Thank you. I know how much this means to you."

Dean nodded silently and stood up, walking around to the back of the couch. He knelt down and slipped the necklace around Cas's neck, clasping it in the back. "There," he whispered into Cas's ear. "Now you will always have a piece of me. No matter what."

Cas turned around in his seat to look at him. "Dean, as long as I live I will never take this off. Never."

Dean leaned over and pressed a kiss to Cas's forehead. "Good. Because Cas, listen, I know that Angel's live forever. You know, unless they get iced. I'm human. I'm going to age. So when I'm gone I want you to have this to remember me by, okay?"

Cas's smile dropped from his face. "Dean, I'm not going to leave you. I can fall, okay? I'll fall and then we can…"

"Cas stop. Just stop," Dean said sadly, pressing a finger to his lips. "I don't want you to do something stupid like that. I know we can't spend forever together. And I know you won't be able to find me in Heaven. There are billions of people there and it will take you years to find me."

"Then I'll look for years!" Cas cried. "I'll look for as long as it takes if it means I can be with you!"

"No Cas," Dean said, brushing away a tear Cas hadn't known escaped. "Don't do that. Don't look for me. Just live your life, okay? At least we have this time together, right now. Let's enjoy the time we have. I don't plan on dying for a long time. We have years together still. Let's be happy about that. I just wanted to give you the necklace so that when I finally do die, you can remember me. Because Cas, I don't want to fade from you. I don't want to become just another ghost from your past. So whatever happens, just please remember me."

Cas nodded, pressing his forehead to Dean's. "I'll love you forever," he choked out, breathing in the scent of Dean's cologne.

"I know, Cas," Dean murmured, a silent tear dripping onto the couch. "I know."


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello all you lovely human beings! Thank you again for reading my fanfiction. It means a lot. Again, I will love you forever if you review :) anyway, here is chapter 6**

**Chapter 6**

Dean's birthday came faster than Cas had expected. He wanted to do something special for him, just like he had done for Cas on Christmas. Luckily for Cas, Dean had to go to work that day so he had plenty of time to put stuff together.

The second Dean woke up that morning, Cas rolled over to face him and whispered "happy birthday."

Dean smiled and kissed him softly, sending tingles down his spine. "You remembered."

"Of course I remembered," Cas grinned. "Why wouldn't I?"

Dean frowned slightly. "Well no one ever remembers my birthday. Not even… Sam." Dean faltered before he finally got Sam's name out. Cas knew it was still hard for him to think about his little brother.

Cas gazed into his eyes warmly. "That's going to change."

"Thank you," Dean murmured.

Cas nodded, planting a kiss on the tip of Dean's nose before hopping out of bed to go make breakfast.

He made a ham and cheese omelet since that was Dean's favorite breakfast food. Dean's smile brightened as soon as he saw what Cas what making. "Did I ever tell you how amazing you are?" he laughed.

"Hm. Only about a thousand times," Cas teased.

"Yeah, well you are," Dean muttered.

"And I suppose you are too," Cas sighed dramatically before pulling Dean towards him by the front of his Metallica t-shirt, nearly burning his hand on the stove in the process.

Dean smiled against Cas's lips before pulling back and heading toward the bedroom. "Love you," he called back to Cas.

"I know!" Cass smiled.

Soon Dean left for work and Cas got started. It was a good thing Dean didn't drive the Impala to the bar considering that was the only car they had. Cas made sure to get burgers and beer from Dean's favorite diner in town and an AC/DC shirt for his gift. He somehow managed to convince Noura to drive all two and a half hours to Somerville for Dean's favorite pie. Noura really was a good friend.

Finally Cas only had to get the music. Dean already had a lot of old rock tapes but Cas thought it couldn't hurt to get a few more. So he took the Impala and drove to the record store.

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Dean was having the best birthday he had ever had and he wasn't even home from work yet. Cas was honestly the best thing that ever happened to Dean. He was perfect.

Dean had been cleaning the counter when he got the call. "Dean Winchester?" came a soft female voice on the other end.

"Yes?" Dean asked, panic already rising in his chest.

"I'm Doctor Freemont. I'm so sorry to tell you this but Castiel just arrived here. He was in a car crash."

If the counter wasn't there for Dean to grip onto he was sure he would have fallen. "Oh god," he cried. "Is he okay? Doctor, is he okay?"

"We are not sure. When the truck hit him he was thrown into the windshield. Unfortunately, his head took most of the blow."

"Oh my god. Is he alive?" Dean whispered, tears already beginning to form.

"Yes, but… he's in critical condition. We're not sure if he'll wake up. I'm sorry."

Dean shut his eyes tightly, desperately wishing this was all one of his nightmares. "Okay, I'll be right there."

Dean grabbed his leather jacket hanging on the hook by the door, not bothering to tell anyone he was leaving. He raced outside and glanced around the parking lot for the Impala. It was only then he realized that was the only car they had. Cas had crashed it. "Damn it," Dean hissed, dashing back inside the bar.

He found Hannah, Myah and Quinn within seconds, all standing around the counter, gossiping about god knows what. "Can one of you drive me to the hospital?" Dean asked, voice cracking when he said the word "hospital." He just couldn't believe this was happening.

If Dean had any doubt before about whether Cas was cut off from Heaven or not, he was sure now. If he still had his mojo he could have healed himself. But right now he might as well be human.

"Why? What's wrong?" Myah asked.

"Cas is… he got into a car accident," Dean whispered sadly.

"My car is out back," Hannah cut in. "I'll drive you."

"Thank you," Dean murmured, already half way across the bar.

Hannah had to run in an attempt to catch up with him, but still trailed behind awkwardly.

Once they were in the car, Hannah turned to Dean. "I'm so sorry," she told him, turning the ignition.

Dean nodded silently, twisting his head to look out of the window so he wouldn't have to see the pity in Hannah's eyes.

Hannah drove as fast as she could without breaking the speed limit. She knew how important Cas was to Dean.

When the hospital was in sight, Dean didn't even wait for the car to stop. He sprinted toward the door, barely pausing at the desk to ask where Cas's room was. Hannah dashed after him, wanting to be there for him. She knew how hard this was going to be.

As soon as Hannah caught up, Dean was already kneeling beside the bed, clinging to Cas's hand. "Cas," Dean whispered brokenly, tears spilling down his cheeks.

Hannah gently laid her hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean, I'm sorry."

Dean didn't answer. He didn't even acknowledge her presence. He was completely focused on the battered body lying in front of him. "Cas please," Dean begged, his voice barely audible. "You can't die. Not now. What am I suppose do without you? Just please, please wake up. Please."

Hannah knelt down beside Dean and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. "He will Dean. I know he will," she said comfortingly. "Don't worry."

Dean looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. She gazed at him sadly before pulling him to her. He rested his head on her shoulder and sobbed silently. She had never seen him this upset about anything before. So she stroked his hair soothingly and let him cry. "I don't know what I'll do," he whispered. "I don't know what I'll do if he dies. I can't… I can't live without him."

"I know," Hannah murmured. "I know Dean."

"No you don't. You don't know what I was like before I had him. I can't go back to that. Not ever. I won't. If he dies then… then I'm going to…"

"Dean!" Hannah hissed. "Don't say that. Don't you dare. No matter what happens you still have me, okay? Me and Myah and Quinn. And Cas's friend Noura. She'll be here too. In fact, we should probably go call her. She'll want to know."

Dean nodded as Hannah stood, reaching for her cell phone. "I'll call her. You just stay here."

Dean turned back to Cas and reached for his hand again. "Please," Dean murmured. "You promised you wouldn't leave me. You promised." He looked over at the table beside Cas where his necklace sat. Dean knew the Doctor would have had to take it off him, but it still didn't seem right. Dean stood silently and took the necklace. He unclasped it and gently hooked it around Cas's neck before bending down to kiss his forehead. "You promised."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello darlings! Thanks again for reading my story! I know, I say that every chapter, but I'm so happy people are actually reading this :P and so again I must say I will be your best friend if you review this! Pleaseeeee. Everyone who reviews can come to my magnificent garden party... okay so maybe there's no garden party, but you can still be my best friend! Okay, okay. Here's chapter 7 lovelies!**

**Chapter 7**

Dean wouldn't leave Cas's room all day. The only time was to go cut his stomach with the knife he carried strapped to his ankle. He had always kept that knife, just in case. At some point during the day, Dean wasn't sure when, he had stopped crying. His heart had stopped hurting. It was replaced with a numbness that sent chills up his spine.

Hannah had to leave a couple hours ago, but she was worried about him. She was okay with the tears. Tears she could handle. But the moment when Dean's face turned from pained to expressionless, she was scared. He hadn't said anything. Just stared at Cas blankly. She didn't want to leave but Quinn and Myah were getting worried and she knew she couldn't stay forever.

An hour after Hannah had left, Noura burst into the room crying and whimpering "oh my god! Cas!" over and over. She had knelt down next to Dean and sobbed over Cas's body. When her tears had finally subsided she attempted to make conversation with Dean, but he refused to speak. He didn't even really hear her. He was lost in his thoughts. The voice in his head wouldn't seem to shut up about how this was his fault and he should have been there for Cas.

Noura kept pacing around the room, occasionally sitting down on the chair in the corner, but she never sat for long. Her restlessness was beginning to annoy Dean. He just wanted some peace and quiet while he was with Cas.

"Dean, maybe you should go get some coffee or something," Noura said for about the billionth time in an attempt to get Dean to acknowledge her.

Dean, like every other time, said nothing.

"Please Dean," Noura begged, crossing the room towards him. "I know you can hear me."

She bent down beside him. "Come on," she laughed weakly in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Quit being a bitch." She reached out and touched his stomach, pushing him gently.

Dean winced at the sting of his new cuts, absently reaching for his abdomen. He looked up at Noura to see a mix of confusion and worry on her face. He silently cursed himself for being stupid enough to flinch at the small touch. Was he really that weak? Who was he kidding, of course he was.

"Dean?" Noura asked cautiously, sitting on the floor next to him.

"Hm?" Dean replied, trying to act nonchalant even though he knew she saw it.

"Are you okay?" Noura whispered.

Dean laughed bitterly. "My boyfriend was in a car crash. How do you think I am?"

"That's not what I mean," she murmured.

There was a long pause and Dean could visibly see the realization dawn on her face. "Dean," she said, her voice sounding more firm now. "Lift up your shirt."

"Woah. Sorry sweetie, I'm taken," Dean attempted to joke, but it just ended up sounding pathetic.

"Dean," Noura hissed. "Lift. Up. Your. Shirt."

Dean shook his head slightly. "It's nothing."

"Bullshit," Noura growled. "Let me see."

Dean glanced at her sadly, noting the fierce determination in her eyes. He knew that she always considered him a friend as well as Cas. "I can't…"

"Dean," her eyes pierced him like daggers. "Please."

He sighed deeply before lifting up the hem of his shirt a bit. He heard the gasp escape her lips and he closed his eyes in defeat. He dropped his shirt, not daring to lift his eyelids in fear of what he knew he would see written all over her face.

"Dean," her voice sounded desperate. "Look at me."

Dean opened his eyes tentatively, only to be pulled into a hug. "Don't," she whispered into his ear. "You can't do this to yourself. Think about Cas. How will he feel about this?"

Dean pulled away quickly, staring into her warm eyes. "Please don't tell him. You can yell at me, do whatever you need to do, but just please don't tell him."

"Dean," she murmured. "He needs to know. He can help you."

"Well if you haven't noticed, he's pretty damn close to being dead! So I really don't think you'll have to worry about telling him," Dean growled.

"If he does wake up though-" Noura began before being cut off by Dean.

"He won't," he hissed.

"Humor me," she said gently. "If he does wake up, will you let me tell him? Let him help you?"

"Fine," Dean grumbled. "Because I've got news for you; he's not waking up."

Dean stood suddenly and stormed out of the room, heading straight for the bathroom. He wasn't sure how long he stayed in there, but it still wasn't enough to wrap his mind around the fact that Cas probably wasn't going to wake up.

As soon as he was done, he turned down the hallway that lead to Cas' room and almost knocked Noura over. "What the hell!" Dean exclaimed, catching her by the arm.

"Dean!" Noura screeched, ignoring his comment. "I've been looking everywhere for you! It's Cas!"

"What?" Dean's eyes widened. "What about him?"

"He woke up! I don't know what happened. I was sitting beside his bed and it just happened!"

Dean smiled so wide he thought the top of his head would pop off. "Oh my god!"

He shot down the hallway, Noura not far behind. He couldn't get to Cas's room fast enough and when he finally did his breath caught in his throat. There Cas was, his beautiful ocean colored eyes gazing at him. Cas looked towards the door almost before Dean was there, as if he could sense he was coming. Dean could feel tears blur his vision as he dropped down on the edge of Cas's bed. He could hear Doctor Freemont saying that she had no idea how he had recovered that quickly and how he had no signs of ever having a head injury, but Dean didn't care. He didn't care how Cas recovered as long as he was better.

Cas and Dean stared at each other adoringly for a few seconds before Dean pulled Cas into a tight hug, burying his face into his Angel's neck. "I thought I'd lost you," he breathed. "I thought you were gone."

"What, and leave you here?" Cas laughed. "Never."

"God, I love you," Dean choked back tears, clinging onto Cas like he was a life raft.

"I love you too," Cas stroked Dean's short hair gently. "I won't leave you. I promised, remember?"

Cas pulled back slightly so he could press his lips to Dean's. Dean drank him in, savoring every moment. He thought he would never get to kiss that perfect mouth again. When Cas finally pulled back he gave Dean a smile that made his heart skip a beat. Cas leaned in so that his lip brushed Dean's ear. "And I don't break promises."


	8. Chapter 8

**Hola mishamigos! Thanks again for the reviews! And again I shall say please review Chapter 8 I'll love you forever. Anyone who reviews may take a ride on my magical destiel unicorn! Pleeeeaaaasssseeee. Okay, okay, here's the next chapter**

**Chapter 8**

Dean was never the same after the car crash. He tried to act like he was okay, but he wasn't. He became much more protective of Cas. It was just subtle things, offering to go with him when he picked up dinner, watching him when he wasn't paying attention, but Cas was very observant. He just wished Dean would get over it eventually.

Cas had been scared that Dean would be mad about the Impala, but he never said anything about. He just went right to work on it. Every day when he came home from work, he would fix up the car. And every time Cas would bring a couple of beers outside and watch him work. After a week, Cas finally asked what had been on his mind the entire time. "Aren't you mad? About me crashing the Impala?"

Dean had simply looked up from whatever he was fixing under the hood and said "you're more important to me than a car."

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After about a month the Impala was finished and looked better than ever.

Dean had been worried that Noura was going to tell Cas about him self harming, but after Cas woke up she had disappeared. No explanation, no goodbye, just gone. No one knew where she had gone or when she was coming back. If she was coming back.

Cas had been sad about that. She was really his only friend in town. Dean had tried to cheer him up by taking him out with Hannah, Quinn and Myah, but he didn't have the same connection that he had to Noura. She was special. He just didn't know why.

Cas had been thrilled when she showed back up a couple months later. He had been surprised when she had come to his house in the middle of the night smiling brightly, holding a large cherry pie in her hands

Cas hadn't woken Dean when she came. He needed rest so he could go to work the next day and this could wait. She was more his friend than Dean's anyway. He asked her where she had gone and she had only replied with "some family issues. No big deal."

Cas hadn't questioned her. It wasn't his business anyway. He was just glad she was back.

He took the cherry pie from her and set it on the kitchen counter, muttering something about how Dean would love her forever for bringing it.

They spent a half hour catching up before Noura's smile dropped off her face and she took Cas's hands in her own. "Castiel," she whispered gently. "There's something I need to tell you. It's not going to be easy."

"Noura, you know you can tell me anything," he smiled.

She nodded silently, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "It's about Dean."

Cas's smile faltered as he tried to keep calm, but Noura could see in his eyes that he was already starting to panic. "What about him?" he murmured.

"Cas… he's been… cutting himself. I don't know if he's done it since I've been gone, but at the hospital… I'm worried Castiel."

Cas stared at her blankly for a few seconds before a mix of emotions flashed across his face. Anger, sadness, hurt, but mostly concern. He couldn't believe Dean had been doing this, after he told him he would stop. He probably never did stop. He had lied to him. He could have killed himself! Cas stood up abruptly and stormed toward the bedroom, but Noura caught him by the arm. "Castiel, don't," she warned. "Just take a few minutes to cool down. You can talk to him in the morning."

Cas shook her arm off but sat back down. Noura sat next to him and sighed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "I know this is hard. I'm sorry. But I want you to know that I'll be here for you – for both of you – if you need me. Anything you need, I'll be here."

Cas nodded. "Thank you Noura."

"Of course," she stood up slowly. "I should probably get going. But I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Cas muttered.

"Great. I hope this all works out for you," and with that, she was gone.

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Cas couldn't sleep all night. He tossed around, endless horror stories about Dean flooding his mind. When light finally bled through the window, he sighed in relief. But then he realized he had to talk to Dean and the panic returned.

Dean woke up, smiled, and kissed Cas softly, oblivious to his new knowledge. As soon as Dean pulled away, Cas didn't waste any time. "I know!" he blurted before he could stop himself.

Dean gave him a confused look before laughing "you want to elaborate on that?"

"Noura's back," Cas said, never taking his eyes off of Dean. "She came over last night."

Dean's smile was erased from his face, replaced by a mask of… was that… fear? "Oh."

"Oh?" Cas said, anger suddenly returning. "Oh?! I just found out you've been cutting yourself this whole time even though you said you wouldn't and all you have to say is 'oh'?!"

"What do you want me to say?" Dean whispered.

"I don't know. How about 'I'm sorry I won't do it again'? Something like that would be nice."

"But then I'd be lying," Dean muttered.

"It wouldn't be the first time! God Dean! Why didn't you just tell me? I could have helped!"

"I'm sorry," Dean whimpered. "I just… I didn't want to hurt you and…"

"And what?"

"I was afraid you'd leave," Dean mumbled. "People always leave me."

"Dean," Cas's voice softened. "I could never-"

"You just don't understand!" Dean yelled suddenly, causing Cas to jump at the sudden change. "You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me." Cas placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, right where his hand print had been seared into his skin.

Dean sighed deeply. "Everyone leaves me no matter what I do. I learned that pretty much right after my mom died. So I tried to be perfect. A good little soldier like my dad always wanted me to be. I followed every order, did everything he told me to, but he still didn't care about me. He always loved Sam, but never me. I started cutting at around sixteen. It was when Sam ran away for two weeks. He ran away on my watch. When dad came home he threw a fit. He… he hit me. That was the first time he ever hit me. He kept saying stuff to me about how I screw everything up and I can't even do my one job and I believed him. I believed everything he said. I hated myself back then. Well, I guess that never changed. That was one of the worst days of my life. I don't blame my dad for what he did. I deserved it. That was the first night I ever cut myself. That's when I realized it really did help to numb some of the emotional pain. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I did everything to protect Sam after that. And then he ditched me for Stanford. That was the other worst day of my life. My dad beat me again that night. And, um, that's when he saw my scars. I've never seen him so mad. So yeah, after that it all got pretty crappy. I tried to kill myself a year after Sam went to Stanford. Yeah, obviously that didn't work out. Then I started doing drugs and taking shots pretty much every night. I only stopped the drugs when Sam started hunting with me again. I never did stop drinking though. So that's it. Now that you know the shit fest that is my life you probably never want to speak to me again. It's okay. I understand."

Cas didn't say anything. He just pulled Dean into a tight hug, tears immediately soaking through his shirt. "I'm sorry. I had no idea," he whispered into Dean's neck. "I can't believe I never knew that. I promised I would never leave you. I mean it. If anything, this just makes me love you more. I want to help Dean. I need to help you. I can't watch you go through this. You're amazing. I know you can't see it but it's true. You mean everything to me and if I lost you I… I don't know what I'd do. Just please let me help you."

"Okay," Dean whispered, rubbing Cas's back soothingly. "It's okay."

Cas pulled back a bit so he could wipe the tears from his face. "I'm supposed to be the one comforting you," he laughed weakly.

Dean laughed with him before pulling him back against his chest. "Thank you," he whispered.

"For what?" Cas asked.

"Not leaving me," Dean breathed.

"I could never leave you, Dean Winchester. Don't ever forget it."


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello you amazing human beings! Ah some of the reviews I got were so nice! You know what would be even better? More reviews for this chapter! Please? I get all warm and fuzzy when I hear what you have to say :D haha okay, okay, here you are darlings! **

**Chapter 9**

Dean and Cas tried to have things go back to normal after that. Dean went back to work at the bar, Cas went back to his normal routine of hanging out with Noura and getting dinner on his way home. Dean had been furious with Noura at first, but after a week of ignoring her every time she tried to talk to him, he forgave her.

Cas insisted on checking every night to make sure Dean hadn't cut himself. His arms, legs, torso, everywhere. But Dean decided he would be honest with him from now on. He guessed he was kind of passed the stage of 'I don't need help leave me alone.' He accepted Cas's help even if it meant talking about his feelings which was new and truthfully extremely uncomfortable for him. But if it made Cas feel better he would give it a try.

No matter what happened though, Dean still wouldn't wear short sleeves. Even if he did, he would slip on his leather jacket over the t-shirt. Cas understood though. He had seen the pink, puffy scars that covered Dean's arms and he knew that wasn't really something Dean would want to show off.

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Everything was going well for them. Sure, Dean relapsed a few times, but that was major progress in Cas's eyes. Although Dean felt differently. Every time he cut himself again he felt like he had failed. He was afraid Cas would be disappointed or angry and he wouldn't have been able to take that. But Cas hadn't been like that. He had been kind and supportive and Dean loved him for it.

Time passed and they were good. They had gone out on Valentine's day, but not to some fancy restaurant. According to Dean those were for 'rich people with one too many whitening strips and a smoke away from coughing up a lung.' So instead they went to the small diner on the corner of their street.

They had a really nice time until the man in the booth next to them had muttered "fags" under his breath. Then Dean had gotten them kicked out of the diner. The man went to the hospital for a broken nose, bruised ribs, and a concussion. They were lucky the girl behind the counter didn't call the police. In fact, before they left she whispered to Dean that she understood why he had beat the living shit out of the man and that she doesn't know why people have to be so cruel. And so they walked home without an encounter with the police.

As soon as they got home, they found a cherry pie sitting on the counter waiting for them with a note attached to it.

_Happy Valentine's day. Cass made me go all the way to Somerville to get it (again), so you better enjoy it Winchester!_

_Noura_

So Dean and Cas had sat on the couch, eating cherry pie, talking, and occasionally kissing until four in the morning. And, even though they hadn't said it, it had been one of the best nights of both their lives.

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Dean hadn't relapsed in months. He actually felt really good for the first time in a long time. Until May 2nd. Dean wouldn't do anything that day. He even called in sick to work. But Cas understood why. May 2nd was Sam's birthday. But this year Dean wouldn't be able to take Sam to a diner in town and steal him a present like he used to. Sam was gone.

Dean had stayed in bed all day. He barely talked, barely moved, barely did anything. Cas had tried to coax him out of bed for the better part of the day. In the end, Dean wouldn't even get up for pie. So Cas gave up for the time being since Noura had wanted him to go over to her house for god knows what anyway. So he had told Dean he would be back in a few hours and left.

Dean hadn't meant to do it. He really hadn't. But before he knew it he found himself heading for the bathroom, reaching for his razor and pressing it into his flesh. He just couldn't take it. Today he would usually be celebrating with Sammy but he couldn't and it all felt so… unreal. He had only made a small slice in his skin to make sure it wasn't all just a nightmare. When he realized this was all reality, it somehow made everything worse. So that caused him to cut even more. He just couldn't find it in himself to stop once he started.

Cas came home a lot earlier than he thought. He expected Noura to want something big, but she only wanted to ask him how he and Dean were doing, so he was home within an hour.

As soon as Cas opened the door, the stench of blood hit him. He immediately ran into the bedroom, scared that some creature had mauled Dean in bed, but deep down he knew that wasn't true. He was just hoping it wasn't what he thought it would be. But of course it was.

Dean was sitting on the floor by the bed, carving big red lines into his arms over and over again. Two small pools of blood had appeared on either side of him, but he didn't seem to notice. He was wholly focused on watching the blood form on his arm, like it was his life support.

Cas was on the other side of the room in two quick strides, bending down and snatching the razor away from Dean. He looked up at Cas wearily, as if he finally noticed his presence. Dean attempted to smile, but it just looked pathetic. "You're home early," his voice was scratchy and rough, like he was on the verge of passing out. And judging from the amount of blood on the floor, he probably was.

"Why?" Cas gasped.

"Sammy…" Dean whispered, eyelids beginning to flutter. "I can't…"

"Shhhh," Cas hushed him. "Never mind. We'll talk about that later."

"'Kay," Dean murmured. "Tired."

Cas tapped his cheek lightly before he could slide his eyes closed. "No, don't sleep yet Dean. You can't sleep yet."

"Need to…" Dean muttered.

"You can't," Cas whispered desperately, but Dean was already slumped against his shoulder, completely unconscious.

"Dean!" Cas yelled, shaking him lightly. "Come on, don't sleep! Don't sleep! You can't do this to me! Dean!"

But Dean wouldn't wake up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my little wayward sons! I'm sorry for the awful cliffhanger on the last chapter, but fear not, for I have Chapter 10! So read and REVIEW darlings! :)**

**Chapter 10**

The next thing Castiel knew he was in Noura's living room, a cup of coffee steaming in his hand, knees bouncing nervously. He hadn't wanted to take Dean to the hospital because he knew what would happen if they had seen his scars. They would have shipped him off to some mental hospital and Cas wouldn't have been able to take that. He knew Dean wouldn't have been able to either. So he had taken him to Noura. Believe it or not, Noura was actually a very skilled doctor. She was definitely the next best thing to a hospital.

He had hauled Dean up the porch steps and knocked on the door repeatedly, yelling Noura's name all the while. He had been lucky she was home.

She had directed Castiel to her bedroom, instructing him to lay Dean on her bed and wait in the living room. Cas had wanted to stay and watch what she was doing, just to make sure Dean was alright, but she had refused.

So now he sat on her plush white couch, the cup of coffee he had made fifteen minutes ago burning his palm.

After an agonizing half an hour of waiting, Noura had appeared by his side. Castiel shot to his feet, a bit of coffee spilling over the edge of the mug and onto her spotless carpet. "How is he?" he asked worriedly.

Noura smiled slightly, dropping down onto the couch and motioning for Cas to do the same. As soon as he sat, he looked down at the coffee stain on her rug. "Sorry about that," he muttered.

"It's fine Castiel," she laughed. "I've always hated that rug."

Castiel smiled back, but it was forced. "So will he be okay?"

"Yes, he will be just fine Castiel. I've dressed his wounds and gave him something for the pain," she informed him.

Cas breathed a sigh of relief and stood, moving towards the bedroom, only to be stopped by Noura's hand on his wrist. "He's resting," she whispered. "Best let him sleep."

Cas nodded reluctantly and took a long drink of coffee, shuddering at the bitter taste. Coffee was one of the human things he had never quite gotten used to. He drank it because Dean liked it, but the bitterness always made him cringe.

"So, Castiel, if you don't mind me asking, how did this happen?" Noura looked down at her feet, obviously uncomfortable with the question.

"It's Sam's birthday…" Cas whispered. "And he couldn't take it."

"Sam?" Noura asked. "Who's Sam?"

Cas sat back down on the couch, facing Noura. "He was Dean's brother. Before we moved to Great Barrington he was killed."

"Oh my god!" Noura screeched. "I had no idea! What happened?"

"Um… well, a burglar broke into Sam's house and Sam was there and… he was murdered," Cas struggled finding a lie that she would believe but she seemed to buy it.

"That's horrible," she shook her head sadly. "Poor Dean."

"Yeah. It was awful," Cas recalled the painful memory. He had been too late to save Sam. He had barely made it in time to save Dean. It had been difficult, considering Dean didn't want to be saved. He got there just in time to see the life in Sam's eyes drain away as the werewolf's teeth sunk deeper and deeper into his flesh. Cas didn't bother trying to save Sam because he could tell he was already gone. Dean had been held back by three other werewolves, struggling desperately to get to his brother, all the while yelling "Sammy!" at the top of his lungs. The werewolves holding Dean had turned him around to face them, baring their teeth. Cas could have sworn Dean tilted his head back, allowing the werewolves access to his neck. Later Dean had told Cas that they thought it was a loner, not a pack, so they weren't prepared to be ambushed by four of werewolves. Cas had smited the werewolves easily and Dean had collapsed to the ground, sobs beginning to rack his body. Cas had leaned down, wrapping an arm around Dean's shoulders, but Dean had flung it off angrily. "Go away!" he had screamed. "Just let me die! God, let me die!" That was when Cas had realized he had seen correctly. Dean had wanted the werewolves to kill him. He didn't want to live without Sam. "Oh Dean," Cas whispered sadly, reaching out to him. "Don't say that."

"Castiel!"

Cas snapped back to reality at the sound of Noura's voice. "Sorry," he muttered, shaking his head as if he could shake the memories away.

"What is it?" Noura looked up at him with worried eyes.

"Nothing, I…" Cas trailed off before meeting Noura's eyes. "I just miss him too. We were friends."

Noura placed a comforting hand on Castiel's back. "I'm sorry."

Cas smiled sadly. "Yeah, well I'm okay now. I'm happy with my new life. I'm happy with Dean. But obviously Dean's not over it. And honestly that scares me. I just, I don't know what I'd do if-" Cas was surprised to find the lump in his throat wouldn't allow him to continue his sentence.

"Shhh. It's okay, it'll be okay," Noura soothed. "Hey, why don't you sit by Dean and wait for him to wake up? I'm sure he'd like you to be with him."

Cas nodded silently, wiping away tears he hadn't known escaped. He rose from the couch and made his way to Dean's room.

As soon as he saw Dean, his breath caught in his throat. He looked so pale and vulnerable it made Castiel's heart ache.

Quietly, so he wouldn't disturb Dean, he pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat down. Cas sat for a couple hours just staring at the man he was in love with. He knew he had never seen a more beautiful human in his entire existence, and he had been around for quite a while. He smiled fondly, recalling the first time he ever laid eyes on Dean's soul. Even battered and broken, his soul shone brighter than anyone else's in the Pit. As soon as Cas laid a hand on him, he knew he was the one. He'd always known. He had never been very good at hiding the love he had for Dean. He was caught staring at him frequently and he was pretty sure by the time Sam died, he knew. Actually, he thinks Sam knew well before that.

Cas was pulled out of his memories by a little grunt coming from the direction of the bed. He turned to see Dean opening his eyes slightly, squinting up at him. "Cas?" his voice came out hoarse and he coughed a bit, his eyes sliding closed again.

Cas reached out and ran a hand through Dean's spiky hair comfortingly, rubbing his thumb against Dean's forehead. "Shhhh, go back to sleep, you need rest."

Dean nodded sleepily and soon he drifted off once again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello my amazing readers! I'm so sorry I haven't posted a chapter in a while. I was on vacation and there was no wifi :( but fear not, for another chapter is here! So go and read and review it darlings! Again, sorry for not posting, but I am back so all is well my lovelies!**

**Chapter 11**

Dean woke up to Castiel's calloused thumb rubbing his forehead in comforting circles. Dean smiled up at him, flashing perfect white teeth. "Hey," he whispered to Cas, voice rough with sleep.

"Hey," Cas murmured back to him. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," Dean replied, moving himself into a sitting position.

"Good," Cas said, his smile faltering a bit. "So do you want to tell me what happened?"

Dean groaned, rolling his eyes. "You're not gonna make me talk about my feelings are you?"

Cas nodded expectantly, earning another grunt from Dean.

"I was just upset over Sam. That's all," Dean insisted.

"Really? Is that it?" Cas pressed.

"I… don't know," Dean admitted. "I mean, I guess I was just thinking too much and the weight of everything hit me at once if that makes any sense."

"It does make sense Dean," Cas insisted. "What were you thinking about?"

"Cas I don't want to…" Dean trailed off, gaze dropping down to his hands.

"Please Dean," Cas begged. "I want to help."

Dean's eyes travelled back up to Castiel's. He sighed before he finally began speaking. "I wasn't just thinking of Sam's death. That's mostly what I was thinking of… but there was more. It just got me thinking about dad's death too and how upset I was after that. Now that I look back on it, I don't know why I was so sad. I mean, the man beat me on a daily basis for god's sake. I still have the freaking scars on my back from the days he was mad enough to get the belt. How screwed up is it that I looked up to him even when he did that? Hell, if he was alive he would probably still be my god damn role model. That has to say something about me doesn't it? I don't know, after that I just started thinking about Sammy and how screwed up I am and it just… happened."

"Oh Dean," Cas whispered, pulling him close. "I'm so sorry. Listen to me. I know you're screwed up. I'm screwed up too. We all are. I don't expect you to be perfectly sane with all that has happened to you. It's a miracle you're not worse. Just… please don't do this. Doing this to yourself doesn't help anyone."

"But it does," Dean said, pulling away a little so he could look Cas in the eye. "I can't really explain it. But it does help. And, hey, it's not like I don't deserve it."

Cas shook his head sadly. "You don't deserve it. You don't deserve any of this."

Dean barked out a laugh. "That's crap. Cas, after what I've done, all the souls I tortured in Hell, after I let Sam die, this is the least I deserve."

"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that," Catiel's voice was slowly rising. "You promised me you wouldn't leave me. You promised! And I'm holding you to it. You can't leave me. Not now, not ever."

"I won't," Dean said matter-of-factly, pulling Cas back into a hug. "I keep my promises."

"Good," Cas breathed out into Dean's neck. "I love you."

"I love you too," Dean said, pulling back to caress the side of Castiel's face. "God Cas, I love you so much."

Cas grabbed Dean's face in his hands and kissed him fiercly. Dean ran his hands through Castiel's hair, pulling him closer as his tongue explored Cas' mouth. Cas crawled onto the bed, his lips never leaving Dean's. He straddled Dean's hips, pushing him back down onto the bed as Dean ran his nails up and down Castiel's back. Finally Cas broke the kiss so he could trail his lips down Dean's throat, earning a satisfying moan from him. Cas pulled Dean's shirt up and ran his hands down Dean's abdomen before planting a few kisses there too. Dean dug his fingers into Castiel's scalp, eyes closing as another low groan escaped his lips. Seeing where this was headed, Cas pulled away, yanking Dean's shirt back down. "Cas…" Dean protested, disappointment showing in his eyes.

"Dean, we're in Noura's house," Cas reminded him. "Let's go home. Then we can pick off where we left off."

A grin appeared on Dean's lips. "Well then we better hurry home," he teased, hopping off the bed.

Dean grabbed Cas' hand, yanking him out of the bedroom and across the family room. They were about to open the door when they heard Noura's voice behind them. "I'm sorry Castiel, but you can't leave."

Dean turned around so quickly he thought he would get whiplash. "What the hell do you mean he can't leave?"

"We need him," Noura said simply.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Dean demanded,

"Heaven, Dean. There is a war in Heaven and we need Castiel to come home," Noura paused a beat to glare at Dean. "His _real_ home."

"This is his home you bitch," Dean spat.

"No it's not. Stop pretending Winchester. We both know that he doesn't belong here. He doesn't fit in," Noura insisted.

Cas stepped up to stand beside Dean. "Ambriel?" he asked softly.

"Of course it's me! How do you think you were healed after that car accident? How do you think Dean was healed just a few minutes ago? Honey, it wasn't an accident." Noura smiled. "Do you like the vessel? Yeah, Noura's a new look for me. I found her in Detroit."

"I should have known it was you," Cas narrowed his eyes menacingly.

Ambriel laughed gleefully. "I was surprised you didn't see my true face. I guess you really are cut off."

"What do you want Ambriel?" Castiel growled.

The angel sighed dramatically. "Weren't you listening? You have to come back to Heaven Castiel."

"Why on earth would I do that?" Cas laughed drily.

"What? You think you have a choice?" Ambriel sneered.

Castiel just stared at her. If looks could kill, Dean was sure Ambriel would be six feet under by now.

Finally, Ambriel closed her eyes, apparently deciding to try a softer approach. "Castiel," she murmured. "I'm sorry, but Heaven needs you. Without you we will lose and the apocalypse will start all over again. Please come with me. And I promise, when the battle is over and when we've won, you can go back to Dean and live whatever life you have here."

Cas thought for a few seconds before looking back at Ambriel in defeat. He knew no matter how much he loved Dean, he couldn't abandon all of the angels. "Okay," he whispered, stepping towards Ambriel. "I'll go with you."

"No!" Dean cried, grabbing Castiel's arm and yanking him back the few steps he had taken. "You can't leave! What happened to our promise? You can't do this to me!"

"Dean, calm down," Cas soothed, gripping his shoulders. "I'll keep my promise. When the war is over, I'll come home to you."

Dean gazed into Cas' piercing blue eyes and immediately knew he couldn't win this argument. "How long will it go on for?"

Cas' gaze dropped at the question. "I don't know. But I do not believe it will last over a year. So, Dean, I promise I will back in one year. Until then, just go on with your life. Please."

Dean nodded silently, leaning in for a hug. "You better be back."

Cas pressed his face into the crook of Dean's neck and breathed deeply, wanting to remember the scent of his cologne. "I love you," he whispered.

"Love you too," Dean murmured.

They stayed that way, wrapped in each other's arms for what seemed like forever before Ambriel's – well I guess it would be Noura's – voice interrupted them. "Are you ready Castiel?"

Slowly, Cas pulled away from Dean and turned to face Ambriel. "Yes," he said softly.

Suddenly Cas and Ambriel were gone and Dean was left in Noura's apartment, staring at the space that Cas had occupied just a few moments before.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello my dear readers! I have chapter 12! *sound of applause in the distance* thank you, thank you. You know what you should do that would make me a very happy author? Review! Okay you amazing human beings, enjoy the chapter!**

**Chapter 12**

Dean went home to an empty apartment. He didn't bother going out to get dinner. He just walked straight toward his bed and flopped down on his back. He closed his eyes tightly and sent a short, silent prayer to Castiel. _Hey Cas. The apartment already feels empty without. So, um, hurry home. And be careful. Please. I love you. _He figured he would be able to hear it since he was fighting a war in Heaven. They would have had to juice him back up for that.

Dean flipped over onto his side and glanced at the empty space beside him. "Damn angels," he muttered to no one in particular.

It took him a good hour before he finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.

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_Dean was at the end of a long hallway. It had absolutely no décor and the walls were so white it was almost blinding. There was a single room at the end of the corridor. None of this looked familiar to Dean at all but it sent off the warning bells in his head. Slowly he began walking towards the door, looking behind his shoulder every so often._

_It took what seemed like a lifetime to reach the end. Dean placed his hand on it to push the door open, but paused as he heard a female voice on the other side. "Where are they?" she demanded harshly._

_A second voice answered "I told you. I don't know."_

_Dean's blood ran cold. He would know that voice anywhere. He burst through the door but stopped dead as he saw the scene in front of him. Cas, his angel, was strapped down to what reminded Dean of the chairs they had at the dentist. The entire room was so white he could barely see, just like the hallway, but he forced his eyes open so he would know what had happened to Cas. There was blood all over him. Dean noticed immediately that his trench coat was missing, tossed carelessly on a plush white chair that sat in front of a desk littered with papers. His white shirt was soaked through with what Dean could only hope was not all his blood. His nose was dripping blood as well as his mouth. As Dean crept closer he could see that his eyes were also filled with blood._

_Dean stepped forward even more and was able to see a cart in front of Cas. He squinted in an attempt to make out the tools that were scattered across it. He could visibly see a drill and a few angel blades. He shuddered involuntarily, images of Hell suddenly flashing across his mind._

_His gaze travelled past the cart to a woman standing over Cas, angel blade in hand. She wore a suit stained with blood and her fiery hair was pulled back into a neat bun. "I know you know Castiel!" she snapped. "Now where are they?!"_

"_Bite me," Cas growled, attempting to imitate Dean._

"_You're just going to make this hard, aren't you?" she sneered._

"_I never make anything easy. You should know that by now Naomi," Cas barked out a laugh._

"_Unfortunately I do," Naomi said, turning back to the cart. She picked up the drill, turning it over in her fingers menacingly. "Well if you won't tell me," she smiled slightly and with a flip of a switch the drill roared to life. "Then I guess I could always find it inside of your mind."_

_She leaned over Cas, poising the drill above his eye. "Naomi," Cas whimpered. "You don't want to do this."_

"_Oh but I really do," she laughed drily, before finally cutting into Castiel's flesh._

_Dean didn't know who screamed louder, him or Cas._

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Dean woke up to a clammy hand covering his mouth. He tried to sit up, ready to fight if necessary, only to be pushed back down onto the bed by another set of hands. Dean threw wild punches and kicks before he finally stumbled out from under the sheets to look at his attackers. "Son of a bitch," he muttered as he saw it was Quinn and Myah who were trying to do god knows what.

"Surprised?" Myah smiled, eyes shifting from chocolate brown to an empty black.

"Shit," Dean cursed. He spun around to grab the demon knife he still kept on his dresser, but was met with a punch to the jaw that sent him reeling.

He felt hands grab his shoulders, yanking him backwards. He could feel the rope being tied around his hands, restraining him, and he silently cursed himself for being out of practice. He struggled for a good five minutes before he gave up and let himself be dragged out of the bedroom, settling on the tactic of silently slipping out of the ropes.

He felt a hand on his chin, pulling his gaze up to a familiar face.

"Hannah," Dean rasped. "Damn it."

"Actually, Deano, no. Hannah's just a vessel," the demon laughed. "Don't you remember me?"

"I had a shit ton of demons on my ass back in the day, so you're gonna have to refresh my memory," Dean snarled.

"Aw Dean," the demon pouted slightly. "I'm hurt. Let me give you some hints. You killed my dad and my brother, you exorcised me out of my first body, I wore your brother for a week…"

"Meg," Dean spat the name out like a curse.

"Bingo baby," the demon teased.

"How long you been in her?" Dean asked.

"Oh Dean," Meg said with mock sympathy. "I've been in her the whole time! What, you thought you could actually make friends? That's sweet."

"Go to hell," Dean growled.

"Already been there big boy," Meg grinned.

"Bite me."

"Hmmm," Meg considered for a moment. "Kinky… I like."

"You're not gonna talk much are you? I really can't stand monologues," Dean rolled his eyes.

"Charming as ever I see," Meg strode over to one of the demons holding Dean and took the demon knife.

"You know," she drawled, walking back around to Dean's front. "I was starting to think Clarence would never leave. I missed our time alone."

Dean didn't say anything, just concentrated on working his wrists free. He could feel the rope cutting into his skin, drawing blood, but at least he was getting somewhere.

Meg laughed and trailed the knife down Dean's jawline, just hard enough to leave a thin trail of blood.

Suddenly Dean swiped a leg out, knocking Myah off her feet. He threw the rope that had bound his hands across the room and gave a quick jab to Quinn's stomach. He whipped around to punch Meg but she caught his wrist between her fingers. "Oh baby," she mocked, gazing down at Dean's scarred arm. "Do you feel like joining Sammy? I could arrange that."

He elbowed her in the side with all his strength and she faltered. Finally he snatched the demon knife out of her hand and turned just in time to stab Quinn in the side with it. His insides lit up yellow and his mouth opened in a silent scream as he dropped to the floor. Myah wasn't far behind. He finally turned to Meg and lurched forward, demon knife slashing. Before he could find his target, black smoke was pouring out of Hannah's mouth and disappearing into the air vent, leaving Dean in an apartment with three bodies.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello you lovely people! This chapter is relatively short I think, but either way I have some news for you! Me and my best friend Noura are writing a SuperWhoLock story! It will be about the characters of SuperWhoLock in the Hunger Games all battling to the death. We've had some pretty good ideas for the story so far, and I can't wait to share it with you guys! Noura and I are working on it as we speak :) she will be posting it at the same time I am. I think it will be very good and I hope you guys will read it and enjoy it when we finally post it!**

**Okay, without further adieu, here is Chapter 13! Read and REVIEW! You know how I love the people who review :P**

**Chapter 13**

Dean had gotten rid of the bodies easily. He drove them to the forest just outside of town where he salted and burned them. He hadn't burned a corpse in over a year but it still felt familiar.

After he was done, he went back to his apartment and crawled into bed. He hadn't gotten more than a couple hours of sleep when Meg and her minions decided to attack him. It took him all of two seconds to drift into unconsciousness again.

00000000

_He was back in the blinding white room. Cas was still slumped in the chair, but somehow he looked even worse than when Dean last saw him. Naomi was still there too, cleaning Castiel's blood off of her drill. But now there was someone else there, standing slightly behind her. "Castiel," Naomi hissed. "Where are they?"_

_Cas didn't even open his mouth. He just glared at her through the blood that was dripping into his eyes._

_Naomi sighed and placed the drill back on the cart._

"_Naomi," the angel behind her said, moving closer. "You couldn't find it in his head. Maybe he just really doesn't know."_

"_He knows," she snapped. "I know he does."_

_She strode towards Cas and bent down, her nose just inches away from his own. "Castiel," she whispered fiercely. "If you do not tell me where they are right now, then I will have Raziel," she paused, pointing at the other angel in the room. "Go down to earth and take Dean Winchester. You don't want that, do you? So here's the choice: you tell us where they are or Dean gets to participate in our little game."_

"_Don't," Cas croaked, his voice garbled with blood._

"_It's your choice," Naomi sneered. "The angels or Dean."_

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Dean bolted upright in his bed, face dripping with sweat. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, breathing heavily. He leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes before finally murmuring a short prayer. "Cas. I really hope you're okay. Just come back alive. Don't let yourself get killed. Whatever it takes. I love you Cas. Come back in one piece. For me."

Dean rolled out of bed and into the bathroom, glancing at himself in the mirror. He groaned at his reflection and ran a hand through his messy hair. He looked like complete shit. There were huge bags under his eyes and his skin was ghostly pale. He looked like death. "Damn. Cas has only been gone for like a day and I'm already a mess," Dean muttered to himself.

He leaned on the counter and started contemplating the nightmare he just had. If it was a nightmare at all. It was pretty vivid to be just a normal dream. What if Naomi was really torturing Cas? Dean shuddered involuntarily, squeezing his eyes shut. That also means there's a very real possibility Naomi will send Raziel or whatever to bring Dean up to Heaven. Dean wasn't worried about himself though, only Cas. He'd been to Hell, he could take a little torture for his angel. It would be nothing in comparison anyway. But that wouldn't happen. Because it was just a nightmare. Wasn't it?

00000000

The next night Dean was reluctant to go to bed. He didn't know if he could take another night of watching Cas be tortured and not being able to do anything about it. So he drank about ten cups of coffee and stayed up all night.

Dean ended up not sleeping for three nights. He almost couldn't keep himself vertical while he was working at the bar. But if it meant he didn't have to see Cas hurt, he would gladly take the headaches and nausea that came with staying up three nights in a row and living off caffeine.

On the fourth night though, Dean had been too exhausted to care. He crashed at 2 in the morning and he did have another nightmare, just like he feared.

00000000

_He was in the room again. Naomi was still bending over Cas, waiting for an answer. When he didn't speak, she slapped him across his already bloody cheek. "Castiel! Take your pick or I will bring Dean here whether you like it or not!"_

"_I'll tell you whatever you want to know," Cas whispered around a mouthful of blood. "Just don't hurt Dean. Please."_

_Naomi smiled slightly. "Of course Castiel. Just tell us where they are."_

"_They're hiding on earth, waiting for the right time to attack. They're in Butler, Pennsylvania. I swear."_

"_Thank you Castiel," Naomi smirked, picking an angel blade off the cart. "Then I guess we have no use for you anymore."_

_Naomi spun on her heel and drove the angel blade into Castiel's stomach, pushing it up to the hilt. Castiel's grace seeped out of the wound, out of his eyes, his mouth, until his light went out and he finally went limp._

00000000

"Cas!" Dean yelled, his eyes flying open. He was on the floor, blanket tangled around his legs. The back of his head hurt where it met with the ground. He slowly pulled himself up, taking deep breaths in an attempt to slow his heart rate. After a few breaths, it still felt like it was going to jump out of his chest.

Dean stumbled into the bathroom, looking into the mirror once again. He looked even worse, if that was possible. His eyes were bloodshot and the bags had only gotten worse. His skin looked almost translucent and he was a lot thinner than he remembered. He guessed that was inevitable since he had barely eaten anything after Cas left. He just drank coffee. His head hurt like a bitch. It felt like someone was repeatedly slamming a hammer against his skull. He felt like he was going to… "Oh god," Dean muttered, dropping to the floor in front of the toilet just as the coffee he had last night rose in his throat. It wasn't long before it turned into dry heaves. He had pretty much nothing to throw up, after all. Dean stayed in the bathroom the whole morning.

Dean worked at the bar all afternoon and was debating whether or not to take some of the alcohol home with him. Cas always did hate it when he drank… but Cas wasn't there. In the end, Dean brought home a couple bottles of whiskey, bourbon and scotch. He needed something besides coffee to distract him from the nightmares. So as soon as he got home he poured himself a glass of whiskey and turned on the TV. He sat there and watched one of the Indiana Jones movies that was playing. One of the older, good Indiana Jones, not the shitty new one with Shia Lebeouf. He had seen the newer one with Cas what seemed like a lifetime ago. Dean remembered introducing Cas to all the old movies he liked. Dean drowned out the memory with another glass of whiskey. After he finished the glass, he drank another. Then another. Soon the entire bottle of liquor was gone and Dean was passed out on the couch.

Dean was slowly going downhill. He knew it, but he just didn't have the strength to stop it. Without Cas, he was a complete mess. And from there it only got worse.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello my little hunters! You know what you should do? You should review this chapter. Please? I'll be your best buddy :P okay, well I must warn you the story gets a bit depressing from this chapter on... so enjoy!**

**Chapter 14**

_Dean was just coming home from the bar like any other day. But this wasn't any other day. As soon as he opened the door to his apartment he saw a familiar face staring at him from the couch. Dean stopped dead, dropping his keys onto the floor with a thud. "It's… it's you," Dean spluttered._

_The familiar face answered in a deep, raspy voice Dean would know anywhere. "It's me."_

_Suddenly Dean's legs were able to move again. He dashed across the room to where Castiel sat and threw his arms around his neck. "God Cas, I missed you so much," Dean breathed into his neck. "You have no idea."_

"_I missed you too," Cas whispered, hot breath tickling Dean's ear. He pulled out of the hug so he could plant a deep, open-mouthed kiss on Dean's lips. Dean responded instantly, tangling his fingers in Castiel's hair. He had missed this so much. Cas pulled back, leaving Dean whimpering at the sudden loss of contact. "I love you Dean," Cas murmured, reaching out to caress his cheek._

"_I love you too Cas," Dean smiled. "I'm so happy you're okay. For a while there I thought you might be…"_

"_Dead?" Cas supplied. "For a while I thought I was going to die. But here I am."_

_Dean grinned at him. "Here you are," he repeated. He glanced down at the amulet Sam had given him, still hanging from Castiel's neck. "You kept it," Dean breathed._

_Cas looked down at the necklace. "Of course I kept it. I love it Dean."_

"_I'm glad," Dean said, inching in closer to Cas as he spoke. "Cas, it was awful here without you. Knowing what could be happening to you… all I know is that I'm never letting you go again. I promise I will never let anything bad happen to you."_

_Cas leaned in slowly until his lips brushed Dean's ear. "It's too late."_

_Dean pulled back in shock and a strangled cry tore from his throat as blood began to drip from Castiel's eyes, nose and mouth. Another spot of blood began to blossom on his stomach. "Oh god, no!" Dean yelled, horrified as Cas smiled eerily, blood dripping down his chin. "Cas!"_

"_Goodbye Dean," Cas replied, voice muffled with blood. Finally he collapsed onto the floor in a messy heap. You could barely tell it was Castiel anymore._

"_Cas!" Dean screamed again, tears already dripping down his cheeks. "No, this can't be happening! Cas!"_

00000000

Dean jolted awake, drenched in sweat and tears. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before rolling out of bed and stumbling into the bathroom.

Dean had nightmares of Cas every night. He couldn't remember the last time he slept more than a couple of hours. It was starting to wear on him. You could see it in the huge bags under his eyes that never went away.

It had been two and a half years since Cas went back to Heaven. At this point, Dean knew he was never coming back. He should have guessed it. No one could ever love him. Everyone leaves at some point. It was bound to happen with Cas too, he just hadn't known when. He tried to brace himself for it, but nothing could prepare him for the way his heart seemed to shatter into small, irreparable pieces.

As Dean looked into the mirror, he could hardly believe that it was him staring back. His skin was so pale it was practically translucent and his cheeks were caved in. His hair was brittle and flat, falling carelessly into his face. His bright green eyes were replaced with dull ones, filled with pain and sadness. He had lost a lot of his muscle mass and you could probably count every one of Dean's ribs. He hadn't been eating much since Cas had left. What was the point?

Dean had his old attitude back since he realized Cas would not be returning. He had begun drinking every night once again, losing himself in the bottle until he was passed out on his bed, only to be woken by nightmares a couple hours later with a pounding headache. He also began smoking, starting with a couple cigarettes a day which quickly moved to a couple packs a day. The number kept increasing. His body was covered in cuts and scars, some deep enough to require stitching. Dean would always end up stitching it with dental floss, reminded of the countless times he had stitched Sam and himself up after hunts. There wasn't one day where he hadn't cut himself. He kind of looked like the walking dead at this point. Dean kept staring, anger suddenly rising in his chest. How could he be so stupid to think Cas would come back? Just look at him! He should have been the one to be ripped apart by those werewolves, not Sam. Dean pulled his fist back and sent it slamming into the mirror. He could already feel the blood trickling down his knuckles as the glass shattered and fell to the counter.

"Feeling violent, are we?" Dean heard a female voice coo from behind him.

He whipped around, coming face to face with a dark-haired woman, eyebrow raised and a smirk tugging at her lips. "Meg." It wasn't a question. He had grown to recognize her when he saw her. She had come back a few times over the past two and a half years. She had stopped trying to kill him long ago, enjoying this depressed state way too much.

"Hey there Deano," she drawled, giving him a quick up and down glace. "Not looking so hot."

"Get the hell out of my apartment," Dean snapped, reaching for the demon knife he kept in his pocket for times like this.

"Ah, ah, ah." Meg moved closer, ignoring the knife Dean now wielded. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"And why not?" Dean growled.

"I have demons watching your apartment as we speak sweetie. If anything happens to me, guess whose insides are going to paint the walls of this place?"

"Go ahead," Dean said a little too quickly, lunging forward.

Meg grabbed his wrist easily, twisting it until Dean dropped the knife. "Wow Dean, so eager to die aren't we? Sorry honey, as much as I would love to see you bleeding to death on the floor, I think this is much more gratifying, don't you?"

"Bitch!" Dean yelled, yanking his hand free of her grasp.

"Oh Dean, this is so sad. You can barely fight anymore. Is it the alcoholism? Maybe it's the smoking. Or the cutting? Possibly the fact that you barely eat? Oh, I know! It's the self-loathing. You don't care enough to fight, do you? Poor baby…"

"Shut up!"

Dean's fist connected with Meg's nose, cringing at the crunch. She stepped back a few paces, wiping the blood from her face. She smiled wolfishly before closing the distance between them once again, brandishing Dean's demon knife. Out of instinct he dodged the first few attacks, then stopped short. Why should he care if Meg kills him? Death sounds pretty good right about now. So he stayed completely still, closing his eyes as the knife came towards him… but it never struck. He cracked his eyes open. Meg was only inches away from him, knife poised to strike. "I see what you're doing," Meg said, stepping back. "You want me to kill you. Dean, I almost feel sorry for you. _Almost_."

"Come on!" Dean snapped, suddenly desperate. "Just do it!"

Meg met his gaze and Dean could have sworn he saw pity flash in her eyes. "Goodbye Dean," she said, flashing him a cocky half-smile. "You won't be seeing me again," she continued stepping back towards the door, still facing Dean. "You're no fun anymore," she winked before disappearing from the room.

"God damn it," Dean muttered, bending down to pick up the knife and set it on the counter. A quick thought flashed across his mind. How easy it would be to grab the gun he kept in the desk drawer, press it against his temple and pull the trigger… he shook his head as if he could shake away the thought. He looked down at his feet and sighed, reaching for a pack of cigarettes.


	15. Chapter 15

**Helloooo everyone! Okay, I must warn you about this chapter. I know most of you thought the last chapter was really depressing, but honestly this chapter is like ten times worse. And it continues to be depressing for the rest of the story. I am deeply sorry if I hurt you with this fanfiction. Oh and it is a very short chapter. Again, I'm sorry. But either way, you should read and review my lovelies! Yes, review! I will love youuuuu. Anyone who reviews is automatically my friend. haha okay, okay, here is the chapter darlings!**

**Chapter 15**

It's been almost four years since Cas left.

Dean doesn't live in Great Barrington anymore. The memories of Cas that were left there were just too painful to remember. He hadn't planned to leave, but one night he had a particularly bad dream and just took off. He started hunting again. Has been for about eight months now. He thought that maybe it would give him a sense of importance, like his life could mean something again, but it didn't. Dean is definitely not as good as he used to be. He's slower, less agile. And he just doesn't care if he dies. Several times he has thought about just standing there and letting the monster tear him apart, but he never does. If he did, it would keep killing innocent people. No matter how much he hates himself, he could never let that happen.

Dean flopped down on the bed of a crappy motel in Cicero, Indiana. He was in the middle of cleaning out a vampire nest there. He was well aware that Lisa and Ben lived there, but he hadn't been to visit them. He couldn't screw up their life more than he already has. Plus, what would they think of him now?

Dean sighed and kicked off his boots. He turned to the glass of scotch he had on the table and downed it in one gulp. He repeated this a few more times until he was sprawled out on the bed, unconscious.

00000000

"_Dean," a familiar voice cooed._

_Dean opened his eyes cautiously and gasped at who was standing before him. "No. Not you," Dean whispered._

"_Yes," Alastair said, holding up a long, wickedly curved blade. "Me."_

"_No, no, no," Dean chanted, pulling against the chains that bound him to a table. "This isn't real."_

"_Of course it's real, Dean," Alastair chuckled, tracing the knife down Dean's cheek, not quite hard enough to draw blood._

_Dean shut his eyes tightly. "I'm not in Hell anymore," he reminded himself._

_Alastair laughed, low and raspy. "Dean, Dean, Dean. You thought that was real? It was all in your mind."_

"_No," Dean murmured._

"_Yes," Alastair replied icily. "You never left Dean."_

"_You're lying!" Dean yelled. "Where's Cas you son of a bitch?!"_

_Alastair grinned wolfishly. "Castiel? Dead."_

"_No," Dean gasped. "He can't be."_

"_Oh, but he is," Alastair said, face uncomfortably close to Dean's own. He could smell the sulfur on Alastair's breath and tried his best not to gag._

_Dean shook his head stubbornly, eyeing Alastair's knife._

_Alastair sighed dramatically. "This is getting boring."_

"_So sorry to disappoint," Dean snapped._

_Alastair ignored the comment, placing the tip of the knife against Dean's abdomen. "Ready to have some fun?"_

_Dean's breath caught in his throat as he tried to fight down the sudden wave of panic that threatened to consume him._

_When he didn't answer, Alastair shrugged and muttered "I'll take that as a yes."_

_Suddenly the knife was cutting through skin and muscle, plunging deeper and deeper into Dean's stomach. Alastair smiled as Dean let out an ear-splitting scream._

"_Just say yes Dean," Alastair grinned. "Say yes and the pain will stop."_

"_Stick it up your ass," Dean grit out through clenched teeth._

_Alastair made a clucking sound in the back of his throat. "Why do you resist so much?"_

_Dean doesn't answer, just bites back another cry._

_Alastair leans over Dean, yanking the knife out of his gut. "Or maybe it's because you know you deserve this?" he taunts._

_Dean glares up at him as he moves back to his cart, selecting a lighter. The flame ignites easily and Alastair holds his blade over it. "Dean, this is no fun if you don't talk to me. You know I don't like it when I don't get a response."_

_Suddenly the heated metal is slicing into the meat of his shoulder and Dean can't help but scream._

_Alastair laughs delightedly, digging the knife in until he could feel bone. "Much better."_

00000000

Dean screamed himself awake and looked around frantically. When he could successfully move his arms and legs he sighed in relief. He wiped the back of his hand across his brow, grabbed a cigarette off the bedside table, lit it, and took a long drag.

"We've got two bodies down by the warehouse."

Dean's attention turned to the police radio that sat across the room.

"A female, early thirties, and a male, around ten. The bodies seemed to be drained of blood."

"Damn vamps," Dean sighed, moving to the closet where he kept his suit.

"They appear to be the bodies of Lisa and Ben Braeden."

Dean froze, his blood running cold. He stepped slowly back from the closet, turning to look at the radio, willing it to continue. It didn't. Dean took a deep breath and shut his eyes as tears threatened to spill over. He tried to keep them safe. He failed them, just like he fails everyone else. Dean wiped away the tears angrily and turned back to the closet.

00000000

Dean had gone to the coroner's office. The bodies were indeed that of Lisa and Ben Braeden.

Dean shucked off his FBI jacket and sat down heavily on the bed, resting his head in his hands. He couldn't stop the tears that spilled over onto the carpet as his body was racked with sobs. Finally, Dean pulled himself up and headed for the bathroom, but stopped as the glint of metal caught his eye. His gun was half hidden in his jacket, looking oh so tempting. Dean stared for a few seconds before moving towards it and reaching out because what exactly did he have to live for now? Everyone he loves is dead.

Before Dean really knew what he was doing, the cool metal was pressed against his temple. Dean looked up towards the sky and sent a silent prayer to Castiel, even though he knew Cas probably wouldn't hear it. _I love you, Cas. I hope you can forgive me for this, but I can't live without you. Goodbye._

Dean could feel a sudden rush of air behind him, but deemed it as his imagination. He could have sworn he could hear his name being called from somewhere far away, but he didn't look back to see who could possibly be yelling for him. He was set on this. No one was going to stop him. So he pulled the trigger.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello darlings! Okay so I have some sad news for you guys. This is the last full chapter of the story. After this chapter I'll post a very short epilogue, but then that will be the end :'( I'll wait to give you the 'it's been awesome' speech until the epilogue. So anyway, this is your last full chapter to read, so I suggest you review it! Please? Because I'll miss hearing from you guys so you totally should review this chapter and the epilogue when I post it. Okay, here it is *sniffles* the last full chapter *chokes on tears* I love you guys.**

**Chapter 16**

Two weeks later, Castiel found himself standing in front of Dean's grave in Stull's Cemetery. He was going to bury Dean back in Great Barrington, but that didn't feel right. He decided Stull's would be the best place for him considering that's where everything began. Castiel sunk to his knees in front of the grave, tears already welling up in his eyes. "Dean…" Cas trailed off as a fit of sobs racked his body. He wiped his eyes quickly, took a few deep breaths and tried again. "Dean, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I should have been there for you. I told you I would come home in a year but I couldn't. Naomi held me up in Heaven. She said that if I went back down to Earth, she would find us and kill us. She said she'd make sure you wouldn't get back into Heaven. So I waited patiently for the war to end so I could return. But it didn't end… I'm sorry."

Castiel's hand flew up to Dean's amulet that he still wore around his neck. He rubbed absently at the charm, a habit he had picked up from Dean. "The Angels won't let me anywhere near you. Trust me, I've tried everything. I just have to see you again. But I can't. I miss you so much Dean. I saw you put the gun to your head and I came down to Earth. I called your name, tried to stop you, but it was too late."

Cas choked on a lump that had begun to form in his throat. He took a few more breaths before continuing. "After you died, I went to the theater in Great Barrington that we always went to. It didn't feel the same without you. It felt empty. But I still went there. I thought that maybe it would bring back memories of the times we spent there and it could somehow… heal me. Because I feel so lost without you Dean. I sat in the back row and bought popcorn and M n Ms. Before the movie, there were these two boys that sat next to me, and I couldn't help but notice how much they reminded me of you and Sam. The bigger one made sure the smaller one got everything he wanted. The smaller one dropped his Pepsi at some point, so the bigger one gave him his own. I watched them for a little bit before the movie and eventually the bigger one noticed me staring. He just looked at me and smiled. And Dean, he had the brightest green eyes, just like yours. He looked down at the popcorn and M n Ms I was eating and asked me if they were any good. I asked him if he wanted to try it, and as soon as he took a bite he said they were amazing. I ended up giving him the rest of the bucket. I started talking to the boy and I asked him where his parents were. He told me that his dad was away on business and when I asked him about his mom, he told me she died when he was younger. He had to stay and take care of his little brother while his dad was away. The more I talked to him, the more he reminded me of you. After the movie, he asked me if I had any family. I told him I used to have one person and when he asked me what happened, I told him that you had died. After he apologized, he asked me to tell him about you. So I did. I started from when you were four and your mom died in the fire. I told him how much he reminded me of you, how you took care of your brother when your dad never did. I told him how you grew up to be a hero, how you saved people from monsters. I told him how you went to Hell and broke the first seal, but also how you were the one that stopped the apocalypse. I told him how I was the angel that rescued you from Hell and how we fell in love. I told him everything. After I was done, the boy stared for a few minutes, and I thought for sure he would tell me I was crazy, but he didn't. He just whispered 'was he a hunter?' I told him you were the best hunter of all of them and I asked him how he knew about hunters. He just shrugged and said 'my dad is a hunter. He's teaching me how to be one too. He said he would take me on my first hunt as soon as he gets back. He wanted to teach my little brother how to be a hunter too, but I told him he shouldn't. I want my little brother to have time to be a kid, even if I can't. you know?' I looked at the kid and told him that he reminded me so much of you. All he said was that he hopes he becomes as good of a hunter as you were. I told him that I know he will. After that the kid took his brother home. But I thought you should know that story."

Cas stood up awkwardly, stretching his muscles a bit. "I love you Dean," he whispered. "Always have, always will."

Castiel reached up and unclasped the amulet that hung from his neck before setting it down on top of the grave. "I thought you should have this," he murmured. "Goodbye Dean."

Cas turned to walk away, only to come face to face with Ambriel. He huffed out a sigh before snapping "What do you want?"

Ambriel stepped forward, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Castiel," she said, attempting to sound sympathetic. "But you know it had to be this way. This was never your home. Heaven is your home."

Castiel flung her hand off. "I'm not going back to Heaven."

"You have to!" she growled. "There's nothing for you down here anymore. Dean's dead! He's not coming back. Might as well come back to your real family."

Castiel was ready to walk past her when a sudden realization dawned on him. "You," he spat, moving closer until his face was inches from hers, his eyes narrowed to slits. "You did this."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she lied.

"The hell you don't."

She sighed deeply before continuing. "Look Castiel, I had to, okay? You needed to come home. Dean was the only reason you stayed on Earth anyway. So yes, I planted nightmares in his head, I made him think you were dead, I made him miserable so that he would kill himself. That doesn't change the fact that you don't belong here."

"Get out of my sight," Cas ground out through clenched teeth. "If I ever see you again, I will kill you."

"Castiel," she said, frowning slightly.

"Go!"

"I didn't want it to have to come to this," she informed him. "But you leave me no choice."

Suddenly two of her fingers were on Castiel's forehead and he fell to the grass.

00000000

Cas woke up in a plush white chair, squinting until his eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room. He spotted Ambriel sitting in front of him in an identical chair. He tried to sit up and pressed his hand to the back of his head as it pounded. "What happened?" he muttered.

"What do you remember?" Ambriel demanded.

Cas thought for a moment. "I was in Hell, trying to find the righteous man."

Ambriel smiled slightly before saying "I'm sorry Castiel. You failed to retrieve the righteous man from the Pit."

"What happened to me?" Cas asked.

"The demon Alastair found you before you could get to the righteous man. You're lucky I found you when I did."

Cas considered this for a moment before murmuring "thank you Ambriel."

She grinned, satisfied that he didn't remember a thing "You're welcome Castiel."


	17. Epilogue

**Hello you amazing people! Okay, this is it. This is the extremely short epilogue I wrote. I suggest you review since this is your last chance and I will love you forever if you do. So, I'm going to attempt to make a short speech before I give you the epilogue, so here it goes.**

**I had a great time writing this fanfiction. Like I said at the very beginning, this is my first fanfiction and I've received so many wonderful readers and reviews. I just know I'm going to be writing more stories on here, so check them out when I post them! I think I might try writing some one-shots, maybe some stories that have multiple chapters like this one, I guess it depends on how I feel. I think I might write a one-shot next. The point is I would love it if some of you would read my other stories as I post them. I love every single one of you and I'm so sad to be ending this story. The good news is, my friend Noura and I have already started the Superwholock Hunger Games thingy we're writing! I would love it if you would read it when I post it. I think we have some pretty good ideas in there. I'm sorry if I made you sad with this story, but I must warn you that I make most of my stories sad so a lot of the other ones I post on here will be sad as well. Just thought I'd warn you in case you decide to read them. I love you all so much and I'm so glad you took the time to read my story! I hope you will remember this story fondly. I had a blast writing this for you guys, so I hope you had an equally awesome time reading it.**

**One last thing that I have to say. This story is dedicated to my best friend Noura. I never would have posted it up here without her. She has helped me through so much and she's honestly the most amazing person I ever met. I love her so much and I couldn't have gotten this far in my life without her.**

**Thanks again my darlings! It's been amazing writing for you guys. So, finally, here's the epilogue**

**Epilogue**

Castiel didn't know what had drawn him to this town. All he knew was that as soon as he drew closer to it, he felt a tug at his heart. But that couldn't be possible. Angels didn't have emotions. He shouldn't be feeling anything right now, yet as he made his way toward the town, a crushing weight seemed to settle in his chest. He felt twinge in his heart that made him flinch.

It took Castiel a while before he finally got the courage to explore the town by himself. He feared the things he felt when he passed a worn-down sign that read 'Welcome to Great Barrington', but somehow it also excited him. With each step he felt like he should remember this place, that it was extremely important, but he couldn't figure it out.

Soon he found himself in front of a theater. It was an old, dusty looking building, nothing special, yet somehow it was. Somehow it felt like the most special place in the world. Suddenly Castiel was wiping away hot tears that trickled down his cheeks, though he had no idea why he would be crying over a movie theater. Plus angels don't cry. Right?

Castiel bent down and sat on the curb, gazing up at the cinema, willing himself to remember whatever it was he couldn't. He stayed for an hour, just staring at the theater, until he finally stood and dusted off his trench coat. He sighed and turned to leave when two boys caught his eye. Two brothers by the looks of it, just walking out of the theater. The younger one sucked at a straw that was inserted into his drink while the older one smiled down at him. Something about these brothers looked familiar to him, but he just couldn't place it. Suddenly the bigger one was looking up at Castiel and his smile widened. Castiel froze in shock as the boy waved at him, unable to move for a few seconds before he finally forced himself to wave back. Castiel stepped closer to make sure he had seen correctly, but of course he had. The boy had brilliant eyes, ones that were forced to look happy but held a certain sadness behind them. Eyes that were as green as emeralds and shone just as brightly.

Castiel sucked in a breath, nearly collapsing to his knees. How could he have ever forgotten those eyes? Then he whispered a word. One single, four-letter word, but it meant everything to him. "Dean."

**THE END**


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